Thursday 12 January 2017

Tree don't give a **** about borders.


2 things were on my mind as we queued to pay our departure fee for Belize both of similar importance to life as we know it. The first was a simple life lesson that we too often forget on the road concerning a correct diet, it goes as follows; “If you have 28 hours solid buses, boats and border crossings, perhaps an entire bottle of tequila isn’t the most sensible dinner option, next time try rice, beans and bed.” Although having said that the bus from San Pedro Belize to Guatemala city is pretty damn comfortable and comes with air con as standard. The battered old seats feel a like your nans sofa and rationed bathroom visits minimise the ammonia damage to the eyes from the sticky air with the tangy taste in the spring loaded plastic potty. Approaching which is not unlike the sting of an entire Glastonbury long drop on a hot Sunday morning, with the added thrill of being thrown about like a rag doll on the snaking Belizean back roads.  Despite the bathroom, looking, feeling and smelling like a soviet Russian experiment there are worse ways to spend a hangover of this magnitude, it is in fact a guilt free way of sitting on your arse in the aircon on all day eating hobnobs and ignoring the sunshine and beach. So perhaps diner wasn’t the worst after all. 

The second point in my mind is the next step I was about to take, after my passport was stamped and I had paid my duty to leave, I was going to take a step no larger or shorter than any other step I’ve taken in my life. There was nothing special about the way I was walking unless you count the facet that genius here decided to swim out to sea for solstice and didn’t realise she was in the docks. thE San Pedro Dock is not too clean and full of debris, including a 3 cm piece of glass I had to pull from my foot. Still the moon swung down around the stars in a beautiful Cheshire Cat’s smile like a doorknocker and I just had to swim out to a far jetty and chat with it, slicing my foot in the process, but so far avoiding, tetanus, sickness, or any of the heps! (woop woop) I digress, aside from my mild limp and shaky hands I was walking just like any other day. 

But this step across a continues piece of land was suddenly a step of bilateral importance because somewhere at some stage a group of powerful men got together in a room with a picture of the Earth and drew some lines on it, sliced it up like a sponge cake and then handed out the pieces. Men with guns and ugly concrete walls aggressively dissect the valley as we cue to pay our 40 Belize dollars. A woman wielding a blue ink tampon,  an archaic triangular stamp and biro offers me my badge of honour for stepping in Guatemala. The tarmac is the same, there is no casm to jump, the cars in the lot are the same, the air is no cooler, fresher or sweeter, the treeline remains constant as does the horizon but for this step, this line in the sand, these red dots on maps, we fight wars, flying drones and planting IEDs and killing our neighbours. For this same tree line and this same sky. The seeds that fall from these trees may grow to be Belizean or Guatemalan trees it won’t change the tree itself, what if a tree has roots on the both countries where is the tree? Does the tree care? I’m pretty sure trees don’t give a f*** about borders! Maybe we should be more like trees?  Instead after these wars some powerful men might sit at a big table and draw some more lines, and we’ll continue to stamp, stamp, stamp over the Earth. Walking across a border and really thinking about the concept makes it seem quite ridiculous, like saying the word fork over and over again, soon it starts to loose all meaning. Funny old world really isn’t it?

PS fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork  fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork  fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork  fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork  fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork Totally ridiculous!


Saturday 24 December 2016

Mexico to belize: Rum run, Sharks & Crab Races










On arrival in Chetumal we were greeted by a man who looked like a member of Homer Simpson’s bowling team and who may or may not be affiliated with “The Dude” his taxi was playing badly made 70’s disco, the kind where the beat could be easily reproduced with a baby’s piano synth toy, his Nissan proudly wore the name Lucy in Memphis style lettering and even the Eeyore swinging precariously from the rear view mirror had a mullet. Disco Stu, Lucy and Eeyore dropped us safely at the hotel in a matter of minutes. The border town is rundown and poor, concrete shops boast tax free fashion and perfume and the hot supermarkets are stocked with packet food. The dirty river warns passers by of random attacks from badly drawn crocodiles and other unrecognisable swamp dwellers, whilst children practise disco Christmas dances on an elaborate band stand in a near by square, everything about Christmas is big and decorated with cone party hats, tin foil and more cone hats.

The night in Chetumal was followed by a morning at the port waiting for the only boat to Belize that we were aware of that left at 3:30, check out was at 11, we walked the length of the town in the sun and the only spectacular thing to note is despite illustrated warnings we did so unscathed by crocodiles. The highlight of Chetumal was the small store at the port that opened around a mid-day where an old Belizean lady played hard-core disco intros and Britany Spears through the tannoy system whilst shot calling the various tuck-shop deals like she was announcing the next ride at the “The May Fair”, each time you entered the price of beer differed slightly and each handful of change was decorated with a quick shout of the words “Happy Hour”. My beer trips seemed to continue to dip in price where Nacho’s took a steady climb.


Arrival at the San Pedro Dock is not unlike been thrown into a boot camp, laden with heavy bags, no visible escape route and a harsh military mama shouting at you to line up and behave. I quite liked it! Outside the docks we encountered 2 bent metal tables constituting a market of electric kitchen goods from the early 80s and day-glow yellow sign that boasted in marker pen “new stock!”. Supressing the urge to a microwave big enough to sleep in, we opted instead to ask for directions, the guys on the stall sorted us out with a lift to the hotel immediately. People here are friendly and funny, everything’s a bit slower and a bit louder and all sentences and sprinkled with a laugh ranging form mild to fog horn, depending on how much they amuse themselves, it’s fantastic!

The streets are full of golf carts, women drive one handed whilst children sleep in their lap and the local youth ride schools of bikes shouting and laughing in Creole English. The roads (of which there are 3) are cobbled or dirt, lined with puddles and potholes, thin and straight with all manner of traffic and debris. Houses, bars and banks are wooden or breeze blocks with hand painted signs and sprayed concrete. The water is turquoise, the air is hot and sweet, it looks, smells and feels like the Caribbean.  

That night we drank piña coladas on the beach in a slight rain at a beautiful rickety American Caribbean beach bar called Crazy Canucks and witnessed our first ever crab race. We bet on number 69 (Nacho choose the numbers). The race was over in a matter of seconds. Crab 69 aka “Nacho Man” wasn’t the athlete we’d dreamed he’d be but on an island in the Caribbean sipping rum who can blame him? no-ones is in a rush out here. 
Belize money is a dollar which can be exchanged with American at a rate of 2 for 1, it’s weird seeing the picture of the Queen printed next to the word dollar. It’s not a modern version of her Maj at all. It’s the Lizzy that back in the day it wouldn’t have taken you much more than 5 pints, a battered sausage and a get out jail free card and you’d be sneaking her back to your Travel Lodge. Cheeky how she never ages on colonies money, I wonder if she keeps a few dollars on the dresser to cheer her up. “Charlie one’s feeling rather bloody glum, pass me a 20 make Mummy feel better, one from the Islands, something in a hot pink.”

We swapped a few pictures of a pink flushed youthful Liz for a dive trip for Nacho and snorkel for me. The islands boast over 400 dive spots and one of the most impressive reefs in the world. Nacho went off to the big boys side of the reef with his dive gear like a regular merman whilst I got on the babies boat with a beautiful French girl who’d been left by her Mexican boyfriend of 5 years and arrived on the island alone 4 days ago to realise no-one accepted pesos and her card didn’t work. Poor Matilda had been alone, heartbroken and penniless until yesterday. She was surprisingly upbeat, the 5 happy hungover New Zealanders lathered in thick white sunscreen were too.

The boat skipped a short distance of topaz waters under clear skies to the Hol Chan national reserve, the white waves breaking horizontally in middle of the ocean skimming the top of the coral beneath. A small circle of battered boats with clever names in peeled paint anchored to drop happy sun reddened tourists over the edge like tipping lobster nets back in the ocean.

I plunged off the boat proudly and bravely feet first only to discover the water to be about neck high and deliciously warm. The corals are out of this world, stag coral, brain coral, purples oranges and earth browns in small and large formations some hundreds of years old. One housing the many spiked Lion fish from the infamous scene in “Naked Gun” where he accidently harpoons the precious Lion fish with a ball point pen. 



Later we were greeted by an array of colours from Peacock Flounders, Spanish hug fish, spotted sting rays, Groupers and more. In shallow waters of about 5 feet deep we stumbled upon Antony the sea turtle, who if you kept a healthy distance and still, will eventually approach you. Antony surfaced for water centimetres away from my face and then went on about his business.  




With Antony long gone we paddle on until one of the Kiwi’s surfaced and shouting a safety word I’d heard them discussing not too quietly earlier “Bruce! Bruce, f****** Bruce!” an unbreakable code they’d devised for alerting each other to Sharks and making shark jokes without worrying the group. (We never found Nemo in Europe.)  And there sure enough a few feet away was Bruce, a handsome reef shark, moving with snake like ease and efficiency on the sea bed. Bruce being rather aloof couldn’t have given 2 hoots about any of us and so on we swam, to the edge of the reef and then off into the dark abyss.

An abyss which turned out to be just a deeper bit of ocean with some darker coral but still, there’s something quite magical about the process of swimming off the ledge into the unknown, like teetering off the edge of the Earth itself. Once in the deep, the water fell from green to deep blue and you could feel the swirling currents change around you the slightly colder waters tickling your body as you kicked across the open channel.

After crossing the channel, (that’s right baby I swam a channel today, JUICE PLUS BABY! IN YOUR FACE CFS!) we hopped back onto the boat and off again at “Shark & Ray bay”, where we dropped in to a shallows circle of nurse sharked that danced hungry circles with smaller fish always sheltered in their underbellies as the Michael the boat man fed them crabs and fish bits. Some of the sharks were the length of your arm, where most were larger. A nurse shark is perfectly friendly docile creature and other than the odd thump from drifting in too close to their tail you were in no danger of becoming lunch. The final shark to approach was more like a sofa than a human arm and admittedly I backed off from that particular lady. She was so graceful, docile, elegant and bloody massive it was an honour to be in her back garden.  

The rays remained low for the most part until the sharks had taken their turn. One large ray came up to feed a little, majestic and simultaneously clumsy like a flapping like sombrero or a flannel that a toddler had drawn a smiley face on.  The 3 feet wide beauty bumped about the group, whilst above one young seagull with wall nuts for balls, glide above the boat making the odd dive down to tackle the sharks for their lunch. I liked that bird!


Our boat driver Michael was kind hearted happy local, with a wonderful temperament and a great sense of humour, he’d been diver for years, our snorkel guide “The President” wore the proud swollen belly of happy taco and rice filled man, he was wonderful diver and a great guide, we couldn’t have asked for a better trip, he was however slightly lacking as a human being (it’s not hard to tell an offensive or racist in comment in Creole English, it’s not Japanese after all). When you peel back the lable of paradise the ingredients on the reverse include the occasional racist undercurrent fed by both sides of the fence, some trickled over the border along side Tex-Mex and Harley muscle T’s, excluding locals from certain areas, perpetuating The President’s views in a self fulfilling cycle.  Michael and The President had a handful of well rehearsed jokes and compliments that really were crowd pleasers as the boat thumped up and down and the waves splashed we all laughed together eating sea splashed tacos and salsa quickly spare one Kiwi who’s rum repeated on him in the heat and the waves. 

We walked home hand in hand on white sands under the blistering sun, breathing in the sights and smells happily and deeply enjoying everything the island has to offer. I couldn’t be more blessed. I have a wonderful job and the pleasure of working with 2 incredibly beautiful people to go back to in summer and to have a man who works as hard as Nacho does so we can afford to do things like a long holiday and  a big wedding is truly a blessing, it’s even more so to be doing all of this with your best friend. (even if he isn't quite as good/ keen at word games as Bella and his marmot has zero stick to it!)  I’m so very much in love with him and with life and amongst all this humbling beauty I’m absorbing everything Mother Earth has to offer with a heart full of gratitude.  Growing old is such a privilege and one I wont waste! My friend Sean from Canada, somewhat of a rock star with cerebral palsy teaches me this often. I don’t see why so many of us fear aging, to have to opportunity to go through all of life’s seasons is something many of use wont get. Life is for living and living a life of adventure whilst we do is something I’ll never take for granted.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES! 

We love you all.


Sat Nam.  Wahe Guru.